Using something in a new way instead of using a different thing is a way to save space, save money, and make it really hard for you to do stuff.
For example, you can use a baby bottle as a measuring cup, but that makes it much harder to pour the ingredients, and it has to be a bottle you’re not using.
You can use a pair of eyeglasses as tweezers by bending and unbending the sides, but that’s ridiculous on many levels.
You can use liquid food coloring instead of fountain pen ink in a pinch, but it is more likely to dry up in the pen. (It is significantly cheaper, so if you don’t mind the risk, it does save you money on ink.)
You can use a CD holder as a bagel holder, but it is not FDA approved, and nobody needs a special case for bagels. They fit in regular sandwich bags.
You can use an old bike helmet as a hanging outdoor planter, but only for a small plant (unless you have a very large head).
You can use a calculator instead of actually knowing any of the math taught from grades 1-4, but you’ll have to carry a calculator with you. Except when you use a calculator app on a smartphone. Then you just look like you’re constantly texting.
You can use a paintbrush instead of any other similar type of brush, but then you’ll have to buy paintbrushes for non-paint use, which is an extra step.
You can use a pencil instead of a pen, but sooner or later, it’ll break, and then you’ll look at it and see that it has no point. Much like this post.
Lambs appear much wrinklier and woolier. Like a puppy wrapped in a thin rug. Goats of all ages are cute, but as kids they are just the cutest. They are fuzzy, not wooly, and they look a lot smarter.
People say I’d look prettier if I smiled. I kind of hate being told that. Not because I think it’s offensive, or sexist, or rude, but because I have my reasons.
- It is said that it takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, but it takes even fewer muscles to keep a blank, sort of frowning expression. I’m that lazy.
- I have chapped lips. They would crack and bleed, and I hate when that happens.
- I actually look kind of creepy when I smile. People only think I’d look prettier if I smiled if they have never actually seen me smiling.
- It makes my face feel weird and that makes me sad. So smiling makes me sad.
- It would be a lie most of the time.
- I hate my teeth.
- Some animals see a human smile as a sign of aggression. I don’t want to be attacked by a monkey just because someone told me I’d look prettier.
- This way, I’m always ready for a passport photo.
I don’t tell you to stop smiling, so don’t tell me to smile.
Every household should have a hand-held bug zapper. They help reduce the number of flying insects, but more importantly, they are so much fun! There’s nothing like the thrill of the chase as you swing the zapper at a pesky mosquito. There’s no greater satisfaction than hearing the sound of an insect exploding as you swing the zapper over your shoulder. And nothing can compare to the victory march in a place where all of the biting insects have been destroyed.
It’s even more fun if you put some music on in the background. It should preferably be something with a fast tempo and lyrics that match the theme of chasing insects and zapping them. But don’t you dare kill a bee. Bees are our friends.
1. Don’t bite the dentist. You may not enjoy the time you spend at the dentist’s office, but dentists work hard and don’t deserve to be bitten.
2. If your dentist doesn’t mind, bring some headphones with music to listen to while getting a cavity filled. This is a useful distraction to lessen discomfort. Pick songs that you like, but listening to your favorite song while getting a root canal may ruin the song for you later, so choose wisely.
3. Don’t try to talk while the dentist is working. It will annoy your dentist and won’t convey any information. If you need to communicate with your dentist, work out a sign language beforehand.
4. Do your research, and watch out for red flags. If something seems wrong, ask your dentist about it.
5. At the same time, remember that a licensed dentist knows more about dentistry than a typical patient. Don’t tell your dentist how to practice dentistry. Nobody likes a backseat driver.
6. If you are in pain, but not the kind that requires prescription meds, ask your dentist for advice about over the counter medications. Dentists know which ones are the most effective for dental pain.
7. If you have a cold and have a dental emergency, do whatever it takes to be able to breathe properly at the dentist. Otherwise it feels like drowning.
I don’t understand why people still use pencils. Pens are better in almost every way.
Even the best pencils scratch noisily against the paper, but decent pens glide quietly and effortlessly across the page.
The point of a hard, sharp pencil can easily pierce the skin and break off. If it does, it can remain there permanently.
Pencils require sharpening constantly. Most pens can write for days or weeks without needing their ink replaced.
Writing ink comes in all the colors of the rainbow. Writing pencils always write gray or black.
The only advantage pens have over pencils is that they are erasable, and I’ve found that erasable pens erase better than pencils.
(I know exactly how lame the text colors are, but I don’t care.)
I don’t respect coffee.
Mostly I’ll just drink regular drip coffee. But it gets worse: If I want to, I’ll buy the cheapest coffee there is and drown it in cream and sugar. Or drink the kind of dark roast that tastes mostly like ashes. Or even brew a perfectly good cup of coffee and add flavoring.
Does that shock you? Does it offend you? Well, if it doesn’t, good for you. You are a person who does not care too much about how strangers drink their coffee. If you are shocked or offended, you shouldn’t be. This isn’t about you. If this is an insult to anything, it’s an insult to coffee itself. And coffee itself is a beverage. Beverages are not people. I don’t respect beverages. I’d have a hard time drinking them if I did.
I don’t drink wine, but if I did, I would ignore the people who gasp in horror when someone reaches for a cheap bottle. I wouldn’t enjoy expensive beverages anyway. It’s too much of a commitment. It’s a waste of your entire life savings to drink the wine you bought instead of a house without enjoying it, so how can you drink it without constantly worrying that you won’t like it as much as you’re supposed to?
The same goes for other things too. I’m not ashamed of enjoying books that are condemned as “escapist fiction”, or wearing cheap clothes, or listening to music that I like and you don’t. (I’m also going to go on drinking tea that would be far more shocking to those who care too much than any of the coffee that I described here.)
When I was a young child, adults around me were often nostalgic about their childhoods. They kept talking about how much they missed being a kid, how much better life was in their childhood years, and how much more stressful life became with each passing year.
All I heard was that life only gets worse.
There are people who make me want to argue with them, but for various reasons, I cannot. Sometimes because I don’t want to hurt the person’s feelings, sometimes because I know the discussion will turn into a fight, sometimes because I don’t even know who they are, but mostly because arguing with them is like talking to a wall. I might as well just post all the facts and opinions that I want to shout into their faces on this blog. So here goes:
- Four stars is not a bad review!
- Disagreeing with you politically does not make him a devil-worshiper!
- If you make cookies and the serving size is half a cookie, make them smaller.
- A white sapphire is not a fake diamond!
- If your opponent is so weak, why are you bragging that you can beat him?
- A theory is not a hypothesis!
- If experience is absolutely necessary for a basic job, it is also impossible to achieve.
- Wearing a blue shirt does not make someone a bad person!
- Being afraid of the dark makes perfect sense! Darkness makes us unable to see, and we bump into things!
- If I wasn’t a coward, I’d be dead!
- Public school is not the worst thing in the world!
I don’t see the point of shouting like this, but I’m doing it anyway. I don’t need a reason. I don’t need to justify this to you.